50 is the new 30? ...and heavenly sunsets

Well, its the new year, which means its also time for another birthday, ugh. Another year around the sun and while I should be grateful (and I'm trying) its proving to be really challenging. This past year started with the highest of highs, and finished with the lowest of lows. Its been a little over eight months since Katie passed. Its hard to believe its been eight months already but it has. It seems like this nightmare started yesterday. Even though this has been an awful year, I'm grateful for the time we did have, and that I was able to call her my wife, even if for only a few months.

So its 2026, and I just had my 50th birthday (yippie). I'll be honest, 50 has hit me hard. Probably more so since she isn't here. She talked about ideas she had for this birthday (for her 40th I went all out so I think she wanted to plan something big. I'll make a post about her 40th and share all of the details some other time). Anyways, with her passing I knew that there would be nothing planned (which was fine) so I just tried to prepare myself for celebrating this birthday without her. I typically don't like a whole lot of fuss around my birthday, but the idea of spending it alone wasn't that appealing either.

Fortunately, my daughter came home from college over the holidays, so I at least knew my kids would be here. Their mom and I decided to take them to Disney Land after the holidays over my birthday weekend. While I enjoy a trip to Disneyland, I am not a fanatic like some people. I don't particularly like crowds, or standing around waiting in line. But it had been several years since I visited the magical park, and was open to the idea. Plus, I had never been to Star Wars Land (may the force be with you) so I was excited to see that with my son. Katie and I had talked about the idea of taking the kids to Disneyland. While she was willing to make a visit, Disneyland was not high on her list of places to go. She gets motion sickness and isn't a big fan of rollercoasters and rides. Plus, like me, she is not a fan of crowds or waiting. So a trip to Disney was probably never in our cards. Which I was completely fine with. So, our little modern family made the trip to California in search of the most magical place on earth. It was nice to at least spend my birthday with family versus spending it alone.

We were in California for a few days. When we weren't in the park we saw some sights, did some shopping, etc. The weather wasn't great but we made the most of it. One of the afternoons we went to Dana Point to the Ritz Carlton. Its a beautiful resort right on the coast and the location of my first wedding (some twenty-one years ago). We wanted to show the kids where their mom and I got married. It was a beautiful evening and we sat and watched the sunset over the water. I had a glass of wine in honor of Katie, and spent as much time as I could looking out at the ocean and watching the sunset.

This post really isn't about my birthday, or my trip, or my time spent with my kids, or their mom. Don't get me wrong, we had a nice trip and spent some good quality time together. But this trip is really about the hour I spent staring at the sunset. We were all sitting on this beautiful patio overlooking the ocean at the Ritz. The kids, myself, and their mom sat enjoying the scene (and our snacks) but I just stared off into the distance. Its as almost if they weren't even there. There has always been something about the ocean that captivates me. Ever since I was a little kid. I really can't explain why. I don't know if its simply just looking out at the horizon and knowing there is a whole world beyond, or if its something else. I also feel very small when looking out at the ocean. I wonder if others feel that way.

Anyways, now at 50, I still get that feeling. I also think part of it is the feeling of being someplace special as the only time I was near the ocean as a kid was when we were on vacation. And if we were near the ocean, that usually meant we were some place warm. Growing up in Michigan, if we went some pace warm, especially over spring break, its was very special. So I've also always associated the ocean with being on vacation.

So there I sat, just endlessly gazing out at the horizon, just looking on. As I continued to gaze, I found myself staring at the rain shower that was becoming part of the sunset. It was absolutely stunning. As I sat there an stared, I become overwhelmed with emotion. It was so beautiful I started to wonder if it was Katie looking down on me. Letting me know she was there, and perhaps wishing me a happy birthday. I also wondered it if was God, and God telling me that she was there, safe. It was so beautiful I couldn't think of any other explanation other than that. I have a complicated relationship with God, and Religion. I am not going to get into it here, but someone who I respect very much, a local pastor in my area, has always told me that God speaks to us. I never really knew what he meant, but I am convinced that at that moment, both God and Katie were speaking to me, telling me that everything was going to be ok, and that I can enjoy the moment, enjoy the memory of her, and know that she was there with me. I could have sat there forever. I think I was also looking at the sky feeling like I was looking into the heavens. Perhaps hoping I might actually see her again. I just kept staring, and hoping. I cried for a few minutes (I still cry almost everyday), but I tried to keep it to myself. I didn't hide it well as I was overwhelmed, as I was again reminded of how much I miss her. I'll remember that moment forever, and I hope someday to be able to look over the ocean (or perhaps a really large lake) and enjoy another sunset like that again, in hopes that she will be there with me.

So as I embark on this new year, I will take that moment with me as I head into the unknown of what 2026 will bring, but knowing that she will be right there with me.